Does A Fear of Flaws Prevent Relationships?
“If I were you, I would move this here,” he said, gently gripping the bright pink tube of Baby Lips in a gray hooded sweatshirt as he looked intently at Cartel Coffee’s portable chess board.
“Mmm hmm,” I murmured back, pretending to absorb the information. An attempt to learn chess was hijacked by the cute way he sincerely stared at my various lipglosses who acted as substitutes for missing chess pieces.
On our first dinner date, only a couple weeks before, I hoped he ...
8 Slightly Inappropriate Valentines for Guys
You can take the girl out of the slightly inappropriate greeting card company, but you can't take the slightly inappropriate greeting cards out of the girl.
Guys might not love Valentine's Day, but they do like to be reminded that you're still into them. At least this is what I've gathered from talking to my male co-workers.
Below are my hand-picked favorite cards that you won't find at Hallmark.
8 Slightly Inappropriate Valentines for Guys
Be My Fucking Valentine - Calligraph...
Giving Up My Vibrator Was The Best Idea Ever
“I’ll grab some batteries for the Roku tomorrow,” my roommate said. VICE episodes and Netflix documentaries would sadly have to wait.
“No, hang on, AAA?!” I ran to my room, opened the closet doors and stood on my tip toes as I reached for the wicker basket containing a collection of prized belongings. Like a recovering alcoholic, I pulled out the neglected vibrator that surely must still have its batteries despite the dust, like forgotten Vodka at the bottom of a bottle. I excite...
I Can’t Afford to Date Right Now
“He probably couldn’t afford to take me out another night,” I concluded.
For a split second this revelation eased the anxiety that had mounted in the early morning hours as I stared up at the ceiling of the Soho Airbnb on my last trip to New York two years ago. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I typed in Glassdoor.com and searched the salary of freelance set design assistants.
As the search results loaded, I thought, “Yes, that’s it!” A sick satisfaction momentarily ...
I Don’t Care About Dating Rules
The bright lights keep me from finding faces in the audience, but I can see his beneath a baseball cap as he leans against the far wall of the theatre. The nerves that accompanied me in the cab are now cornered and have no choice but to recite the only open mic set I have prepared.
“Somewhere at the bottom of a prayer basket in Illinois is a handwritten note by my mom,” I start as I move the mic stand. “‘Please pray that my daughter’s set tonight isn’t skanky.’ Well, sorry Mom. ...
“See You There” Makes Dates Finally Happen
When you’re a single girl living in Los Angeles, the movie billboards are exciting at first. On nearly every street corner, bus stop and apartment building you spot larger-than-life scenes of your favorite actors announcing the next movie that you must see. Nothing quite beats staring at a 12-foot poster of Ryan Gosling posing for “The Nice Guys” while pumping gas.
Except when it feels impossible to find someone to watch the movie with you. The movie billboards then transform into ...
3 Ways Happn Helps You Date IRL
“Can I borrow your hose?” she asked as he knelt down, scrubbing the tires of his sedan.
It was the summer of 1980 in the parking lot of Baywood Apartments in Newport Beach, California. Richard looked up to find a bright-eyed brunette peering back and eagerly reached for his soap bucket to lend a hand, not caring that his Gold’s Gym t-shirt was soaked with suds.
How had he not seen her before?
36 years later we tease my mother for her opening line to the neighbor guy who is ...
What Is Monogamy Though?
“Thou shalt commit adultery.” Because of a printer’s error in the 1805 edition of the Bible, this commandment suddenly dictated philandering. It soon became known as the wicked Bible. But the human animal seems cursed with a contradiction of the spirit. We search for true love, find him or her, and settle in. Then, when the spell begins to fade, the mind begins to wander. As Oscar Wilde summed up our plight, “There are two great tragedies in life, losing the one you love and winning the ...
I Kissed My Friend Who Is a Girl
Confessing attraction towards someone, whether it’s mild or severe, can feel awkward for a variety of reasons.
Perhaps you’re friends, coworkers or classmates - How will this affect our existing relationship? Will it make things weird?
Maybe you’re in a relationship - Does it count as cheating? Does it mean I’m attracted to my partner less?
Sometimes it doesn’t fit social norms - Will my parents disown me? What if my small town finds it taboo?
The awkwardness produces ...
I’m Giving Up My Vibrator for 40 Days
A resurrection occurred that I never announced. My vibrator of 8 years may have been on her last leg as I described in last year’s Eulogy, but she was still indeed alive. Had I prematurely tossed her in the dumpster without another whirl, I fear the result would have been more like The Fall of the House of Usher than the Easter story: relentless haunting by the purple ghost of the Magic Wand.
Though she’s alive, it certainly was not a full recovery. There is only one speed, and ...
