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“‘You’ll sell a skyscraper if you dress better,’” Zee said in her best male impersonation, looking to her right. Even through tinted Ray-bans I could spot the eye roll. “Dress for success!” Ruben replied back with a smug grin. “That’s…
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“If I were you, I would move this here,” he said, gently gripping the bright pink tube of Baby Lips in a gray hooded sweatshirt as he looked intently at Cartel Coffee’s portable chess board. “Mmm hmm,” I murmured back,…
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“I’ll grab some batteries for the Roku tomorrow,” my roommate said. VICE episodes and Netflix documentaries would sadly have to wait. “No, hang on, AAA?!” I ran to my room, opened the closet doors and stood on my tip toes…
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“He probably couldn’t afford to take me out another night,” I concluded. For a split second this revelation eased the anxiety that had mounted in the early morning hours as I stared up at the ceiling of the Soho Airbnb…
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The bright lights keep me from finding faces in the audience, but I can see his beneath a baseball cap as he leans against the far wall of the theatre. The nerves that accompanied me in the cab are now…
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“Thou shalt commit adultery.” Because of a printer’s error in the 1805 edition of the Bible, this commandment suddenly dictated philandering. It soon became known as the wicked Bible. But the human animal seems cursed with a contradiction of the…
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A resurrection occurred that I never announced. My vibrator of 8 years may have been on her last leg as I described in last year’s Eulogy, but she was still indeed alive. Had I prematurely tossed her in the dumpster…
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At 1 p.m. on Monday afternoon I was perched on a stool in Intelligentsia Coffee in Venice Beach between two hipster boys while exchanging iMessages with my guy friend in Scottsdale, Arizona. We were on the same sex-related subject that…
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A week of working out and healthy eating coupled with a night of drinking and dancing produces a need for 2 am pizza so acute that few other things seem satiating. Not cupcakes or crackers or quesadillas can cure the…
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“What recipes should I cook to impress my date?” While I like to think that I can offer semi-solid advice when it comes to dating asks, I was stumped when I received this text from a girl friend recently. My mind…
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