If my Crossfit gym were to check their Google Analytics account, they would find that a certain local IP address visits their website every night at regular 10 minute intervals from approximately 8 pm until 10 pm, depending on when they finally post the next day’s workout. Not only am I obsessively refreshing my browser like it’s my Monday morning Facebook feed, I’m doing it in my clean gym clothes, aka my pajamas, so that I can literally roll out of bed to be there at 6 am the next day. (Note: I am fully aware that sleeping in fitness apparel sends asexual energy into the Universe and is completely contrary to the The Secret. Someday I’ll deal with it.)
Given this high level of anticipation, you would think that unveiling the WOD was synonymous with The Bachelorette spoiler alerts. Conversely, I just need to know what type of torture to expect so that I can mentally prepare myself before bed. And similar to bikini waxing, the reason I go to the 6 am class is to get the pain over with as quickly as possible with the goal of looking good for pool parties. Needless to say, after a year and a half of Crossfit, I am still severely anxious before every WOD.
As with all neurotic quirks, it stems from childhood, and in this case, never feeling athletic. (In seventh grade, I accidentally caught the volleyball twice in one game?!) Growing up in a tiny Midwest town where participating in Varsity sports might as well be The Hunger Games, I always felt like the girly girl just sitting on the sidelines. To sum it up: Girls there wear their own letterman’s jackets. And in my white belted Bebe coat, I felt out of the club.
After moving to Scottsdale, I realized that girly-ness wasn’t just accepted, but pretty much expected. Home sweet home. However, as I stepped into my Crossfit gym for the first time, ready to try a new workout, I felt like I was right back in high school gym class. Terrified. It didn’t help that I pulled my back doing a 75 pound dead lift the second week. Sporting a sexy Velcro back brace, neither me nor my new trainers thought I would make it.
But I did. My back can now handle up to 255 lbs, and I feel better than ever. Coincidentally, as the weights on the bar increased, my weight on the scale decreased. Magic, huh?! I can now enjoy chocolate and wine – God’s greatest gifts – without guilt thanks to a speedy metabolism from the muscle. Still, to say that I’m an athlete might be a stretch. (It took me a year to semi-master double unders.) However, when I attended my hometown Crossfit gym last winter, I was very pleasantly surprised to be neck and neck the entire WOD with the Varsity Volleyball/Softball girls who had gone on to play college sports. I wanted to tell my timid high school self, “Youcan do it.. pink tank top, pink jump rope and all.”
Much of this I owe to my fun/encouraging/crazy Crossfit gym so I wrote a poem just for them.
Ode to Crossfit Blur
The gym I call home
They put the fun in functional fitness
and let girly girls roam.
Where it’s perfectly fine to wear fake lashes
And they have mirrors to do my hair
Where I get a spray tan for every competition
And no one even cares.
The gym that plays the perfect mix of house
and lots of good ghetto rap
Along with the sound of barbells dropping,
It’s my favorite sound track.
Where our friendly trainers tape our hands
and kindly build our bars
And so we don’t have to remember,
They even know our PR’s.
The gym that lets me be a baby
When I’m feeling too emo to lift
But also motivates me by yelling,
“Pick it up, you fit little bitch!”
Where they lift us up when we’re down,
Or just to do a poolside keg stand,
They prove the gym that plays together, stays together
And who doesn’t love Beer Fran?!
The gym with wall ball hot dogs and tacos,
Fitness mags and framed Playmates
Where testosterone levels also tend to soar
As high as the weight of the bumper plates.
“You look ripped!”
Is what the Blur guys so sweetly say
“By ‘ripped’ they mean ‘skinny and toned'”
Is what we always pray.
Some may call this all high maintenance
Or the problem with Crossfit these days
Call it what you want,
But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Because when it comes down to it,
We love as much as we lift
And it’s because of my friends at Blur
That this girly girl loves Crossfit.