Drinking mimosas to face your drunk texts is like eating a donut because you feel fat.
I realize this.
But it’s 100% necessary to survive today’s hangover anxiety and survey the damage. As I glance around the coffee shop and spot cute, happy people who didn’t binge drink yesterday, I can’t help but wish my life was a little more boring and a little less messy. However, it serves as the exact inspiration needed to intro today’s guest blogger.
Last week my sober texts with Ryan included the types of girls who make guys crazy. I was quick to admit that I’m probably guilty of half of them, and sure enough my current state qualifies. I’m calling it…
Drunk Text Girl
Around your 5th margarita your iPhone becomes a lethal weapon with enough ammo to kill any attempts at playing coy. Your cool cover is blown the moment you fire off texts to unsuspecting recipients who are unsure whether your drink was spiked with truth serum or female Viagra. No matter how deep something is buried in your subconscious, it begins to percolate until it pours out in the form of booty calls and true confessions. Sure, some guys are unfazed, maybe flattered, by the candid advances, but it would’ve been cool to know when you were actually coherent.
And without further ado, Ryan delivers the other 14 types of cray cray.
15 Types of Girls That Make Guys Crazy
1. Not So Recently Married Girl
We get it, you’re married now. Truthfully, we got it 15 months ago, when you got married. All the wedding photos you’re still posting are gorgeous. They really are. But rather than posting another TBT collage of “The Best Day Ever”, consider this: long before social media, the most effective way to show everyone how much you loved your husband was to just show him. You’re probably an awesome wife, but it doesn’t matter if we think so.
2. World’s Worst Hangover Girl
You didn’t get roofied. Check the mirror, nobody wastes a pill on that. Still not convinced? Maybe your bank statement will help. You ordered a triple meat, four cheese pizza at 3:34 AM. If you’d had more than 3 saltines and a Redbull yesterday, you’d feel markedly better right now. I know it all feels unfair and confusing, but you’re actually supposed to feel exactly like this. Remember last Sunday?
3. Most Stressful Job in America Girl
You are a nurse, a teacher, maybe you’re in sales. At some point in your life a promise to you was broken. This is not one of those times. I promise you do not have the most stressful job in America. Those people have the added burden of being too busy to constantly mention it. It is possible that you have more responsibility now than you did at Sigma Kappa Sci Fi Gamma, but so does the girl in the next cube. The beauty of this whole thing is that it’s optional. You can always quit, find a sugar daddy, and become Not So Recently Married Girl?
4. So Over ‘It’ Girl
You’re over the weather, the conversation, and the bad service. You’re over your boss, your roommate, and your ex-bf. You’re definitely over Tinder. Sometimes it seems like you are over everything. You are fed up with things, and you like to share it. But you make for a great friend, since it’s a huge relief not having to ask if there is anything you are currently over.
5. Daily Gym Selfie Girl
You look good. Nike and Lulu just seal the deal. We all see you at the gym, and our looks annoy the shit out of you. Ugh, all the creepy guys staring at you in the mirror. It’s just crazy how eager you are for everyone to stare at you online! And I realize it’s impossible to resist the perfect lighting of a SnapChat car selfie on the way home, but watch out for Most Stressful Job in America girl driving like a zombie.
6. Salute to My Birthday Week Girl
Happy Bday! I know that never gets old. 27 must be a bigger deal than it used to be. I don’t remember organizing 6 dinners and 2 trips to Vegas. Hopefully everyone logs onto Facebook day of though. It sure sucks banking on them to spot the IG photo where you physically mention that today is your birthday. After all, it’s your week. If anyone annoys you, just tell them you’re over it.
7. Handstand on a Beach Girl
8. “I Love Football” Girl
This is really unnecessary. None of us pretend to like Pinterest. You are cute enough to get attention without stealing seats at our favorite sports bar. It’s the only time all year we are “over girls”. So when you toss on the pink Bears jersey and meet your friend to watch the game, we ALWAYS notice that the Bears are playing on the TV behind you.
9. Hashtag Girl
You are the perfect storm. With no grammar or syntax required, you can write whatever and slap it with a number sign. We hardly even notice the wrong “your.” It doesn’t matter that nobody knows what the fuck Wanderlust means. If Instagram charged $1 per hashtag, your Dad’s might be broke. But they’re free! #happygirl
10. Inspirational Quote Girl
Posting an inspirational quote with no context is like wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt to a funeral; there is obviously a statement being made, but nobody knows what the fuck it is. So when you’re 80 and your grandkids cite Paris Hilton, you’ll finally realize how silly the Marilyn Monroe obsession is. And poor Buddha, he’d have taken an oath of silence if he knew his words would be used by a 21 year old college kid fishing for Likes.
11. Every Other Girl is Not Hot Girl
Just say it, she terrifies you. She turns more heads. Aside from her body, confidence, and personality, you have no reason to hate her. You probably don’t even know her. The most threatening thing about her is that she’s not threatened by you. But here’s a secret: one of the most attractive qualities in a female is her ability to admit beauty in other females.
12. Chivalry is Dead Girl
Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just more confusing. You expect the things you damn well deserve, like respect and equal pay. You also expect to skip the line at the club, walk through open doors and eat free dinners. And we want to pay for those meals – we were raised that way. But sometimes what you gain in fighting for equality you lose in handouts for being hot. Cops suck when you don’t have eye lashes and tits.
13. Slang is Your Language Girl
I can’t with you. You and your mains and the ratchet things you say. You totes give zero fucks about forming your own sentences. They are someone else’s words, and like a parakeet with a fake tan and giant pair of heels, you’re just repeating them. We realize YOLO, but you obviously think never. It is in fact not dope. It’s cray. SMH.
14. Are You Ever Getting Married? Girl
Have you ever taken a piss alone? Does an empty bed scare you? Do you still recruit people to go see movies? That’s how we should reply. Asking someone when they plan on getting hitched is like asking a bartender when they plan on finding a real job. All it really does is reveal your own ignorance. I realize it’s not intentional, but neither is your husband’s envy of his single buddies.