If I’m starving before going to a restaurant, I’ll eat something like a hardboiled egg before. Why? If you wait too long to eat, you run a few risks: 1. Consuming the entire bread basket. 2. Inhaling your food, thus not fully enjoying it. 3. In extreme cases, your hunger could pass entirely, to the point that you don’t even want your salad when it arrives.

#3 pretty accurately describes how I felt about my mounting excitement over the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Three years ago, after reading all three books, I needed the movie, like, right then.

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Feelings After the Book

In the interim, I wrote a blog post called “50 Shades of Single” in which I playfully described the sexual frustration experienced due to the book. It was the first Rated-R romance novel I had read, and Anastasia Steele’s descriptions of mind blowing orgasms were something every reader surely wished to experience. She described herself shattering into a million pieces so many times that one could assume she was nothing but fairy dust by the book’s end. And when she spoke of her inner goddess who was summoned up by her hot Dom’s playroom moves, I couldn’t help but desperately wonder: “Who is my inner goddess?! I want to meet this inner goddess.”

Reading Fifty Shades of Grey

In an attempt to wrangle someone who could help me shatter into pixie dust, I racked my brain going through a mental rolodex of potential guys. However, it was similar to experiencing restaurant hunger at home. In the same way that you just keep opening an empty refrigerator over and over, hoping to magically find something new, every time I thought through ex-beaus and former friendly guy friends, I kept coming up dry. As a result, no Grey-inspired hookups transpired.

If I would never experience playroom fun first-hand then I at least wanted to see it as an innocent bystander while munching on theater popcorn. But after about two years of waiting, the excitement soon plummeted: “Why is it taking so long to make the movie? I’m over it.”

Nevertheless, when one of my best friends asked me if I would like to join her and her fiance to watch the movie on Valentine’s Day, my hunger re-emerged, as if someone brought by the dessert menu.

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Feelings After the Movie

Though no one’s going to complain about watching two incredibly attractive people in a sex scene, without hearing Anastasia’s internal dialogue, it wasn’t the same. Not only did you not hear her orgasms described, you weren’t even sure if she had them: “Is she releasing her inner goddess… now.. or what about… now?”

Instead of being captivated by positions I had never experienced (dangling from the ceiling or anchored to the wall), I was just frustratingly focused on the type of guy that I knew too well (controlling and closed off). One had to wonder whether the Red Room of Pain was worth the red flags raised everywhere else. When I left the theater, instead of being frustrated or sad that I had no former beaus to contact, I was quite glad. I could handle a solo hunt for my inner goddess to avoid crazy.

What Girls Really Think of Grey

To sense check my feelings about the movie and provide a broader opinion, I surveyed 15 women around the country who were kind enough to share what they thought.

Map of Responses

Amount of Sex Scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey

Quality of Sex Scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

What do girls think of Christian Grey and Anastasia?

Would you let your friend sign a contract with Grey?

Overall Movie Rating

 

Braxton, Mississippi, 24 years old, Has read the book
Overall rating: 1 out of 5
There was absolutely no story line. It was all about the sex. I felt like it was a porno, I’ve read the books three times, it’s supposed to be a love story…. Very disappointed.

Appleton, WI, 22 years old, Has not read the book
Overall rating: 4 out of 5
I didn’t want it to end!!! I wanted to see more and more!

Muncie, Indiana, 22 years old, Has read the book
Overall rating: 4 out of 5
I expected to see a lot more of the playroom an the different things in the room. Also there was a couple different important scenes that were left out of the movie. Other than that I loved the movie.

What do girls think of Christian Grey?

 

Troy, Illinois, 44 years old, Has read the book
Overall rating: 4 out of 5
If you don’t know or understand the intricacies of SM it is hard to see Christian in any type of good light. The movie was sad because you can see how tormented he is. She was curious and tried some things then decided it was not for her. Good for her. This type of relationship needs a commitment from both parties to work.

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Five Shades of Grey

After reviewing the women’s opinions and reflecting more on what was lacking besides Anastasia’s detailed descriptions, I think the true problem can be summed up in my friend’s fiance’s first thought after the movie: “He seemed so one-dimensional.” Sure, we see a bit of the vulnerable side and a tad of the insecure, but for a movie that promises 50 shades, we’re about 45 shades short.

Perhaps these will be exposed in later movies, and maybe I should enjoy a hardboiled egg in the meantime… I’m just not that hungry for a next time.