A resurrection occurred that I never announced. My vibrator of 8 years may have been on her last leg as I described in last year’s Eulogy, but she was still indeed alive. Had I prematurely tossed her in the dumpster without another whirl, I fear the result would have been more like The Fall of the House of Usher than the Easter story: relentless haunting by the purple ghost of the Magic Wand.

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I don’t know why I’m holding it like a microphone.

Though she’s alive, it certainly was not a full recovery. There is only one speed, and she requires new AAA batteries on the reg, like an aging Dell laptop that won’t hold a charge.

The quest for a new one has thus far been fruitless, and in the meantime I’ve become acutely aware of the discomfort faced when 2 blocks feels too far to walk for a new pack of batteries. Have I come to the point that it’s vibrator or nothing?

40 Days Without My Vibrator

“My school did teach us masturbation was a sin,” I interjected while feedback was being provided. A fellow student in my Intro to Standup class had completed 5 hilarious minutes of material on the shortcomings of Catholic School Sex Ed. While his nuns said nothing about enjoying oneself, my elementary school classmates were ballsy enough to bring up the topic, eliciting an unfavorable – and uncomfortable – response from the priest.

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Needless to say, when my first inclination was to give up my vibrator for Lent, the very notion felt too sacrilegious to say. Therefore, I am simply abstaining from it for 40 days… until Magic Wand comes again.

Why Take a Break?

“I tried without my vibrator for the first time today as practice and to know I would be okay if stranded on a desert island. It was like eating blended frozen bananas in place of Ben & Jerry’s, but I guess you have to start somewhere.” – the text I sent recently to a friend with whom I share a pact to be more adventurous this year.

When I made my 2016 New Year’s Resolution to figure out “what works for me” in every aspect of my life the categories included food, fitness, work, skin, home décor, fashion and every other thing besides an important one: sex.

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This resulted in a list of areas that either needed improvement yesterday or deserve some exploration. When I looked at 2016’s “playlist” I realized that my vibrator might be holding me back, as sad as that is to admit.

For years I have enjoyed it as one of life’s greatest calorie free treats, and with averaging a mere 2 sexual encounters per year, I often told myself I deserved it – in the same way a girl might reward herself with stracciatella gelato for giving up chocolate chip ice cream.

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All the while I have been slightly fearful that it could be A. De-sensitizing me and/or B. Holding me back from other pleasure possibilities. When I expressed this to my same friend he replied, “I actually met a girl a few years back that could only get off from her vibrator. It was kind of annoying. She said she’d used it so regularly and become so accustomed to it that she just couldn’t get there from a human.”

I imagined a relationship with someone who relied on the use of technology each time, like a handy bedside robot, and I didn’t like it. But as I clearly described in the “I’ve Never Had Good Sex” article, I don’t have much room to talk.

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A More Natural Means

In the same way that my diet would be much better described as an attempt at natural eating versus Paleo, the detox is simply a conscious effort to explore more natural means of pleasure.

OMGYes is teaching me the power of touch via video, and tomorrow I’m attending a Vegan Cupcakes Orgasmic Meditation Meetup in which I am incredibly interested to see how four amazing things are being rolled up into one hour. In the next 40 days I plan to broaden my horizons beyond AAA Energizers.

Besides, it’s not goodbye forever. Similar to the resurrection of the trusty Magic Wand, the time will come again.

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