The following is a letter to ladies from a guy friend of mine – whose home I may have stayed at a night or two.


Ladies, men do not want you to spend the night. Remember this, internalize it. More importantly, you do not want to spend the night. At least not in the beginning. This rule, of course, is general. It has exceptions. Without polling the issue for statistical certainty, let’s say that staying the night is a bad idea 9 out of 10 times. Thus, when considering the issue sometime after midnight and several glasses of wine, error on the side of an Uber ride home.

Why We Don’t Want You to Stay the Night

As a point of clarification, and to mollify the defensive criticism brewing currently, rest assured that I am only talking about the first night you go back to a guy’s house. Maybe the first two or three times. At some point, he will most certainly want you to spend the night – I promise. Tonight is probably not one of those nights, face it.

The reasons we do not want you to spend the night are so simple, they only require numerated-points:

  1. We want the entire bed to ourselves.
  2. We do not want to take you to breakfast in the morning.
  3. We do not want you to linger around in the morning for an indefinite period of time.
  4. We don’t want to send the “wrong message.”

(Note: The “wrong message” is that we actually like you and want a relationship. It’s not that we don’t want to send this message at all, we just don’t want to send it yet. Really, we do not know what we want for a while.)

IMPORTANTLY, we will probably say that we want you to spend the night. It’s a lie. This is more than a general rule, it is as close to law as gravity.


Few exceptions. Again, the reasons why we ask you to spend the night, despite not actually wanting that, are simple:

  1. If you haven’t had sex yet, he thinks it will happen if you spend the night.
  2. If you have had sex, he feels obligated to have you spend the night so as to not look like an asshole.
  3. He is in a lonely, desperate portion of his life and thinks that a girlfriend will change that condition – we have all been there.
  4. He is drunk and, additionally, 1, 2, or 3 apply.

Why You Don’t Want to Stay the Night

NOW THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT: Even if you are that rare exception and he does want you to spend the night, you do not. Here are the reasons why, which are not so simple.

First, you do not want to send that “wrong message” mentioned above. Regardless of whether the feeling is mutual, you do not want him to know you really like him yet. Men like to chase things; it is half the fun. By leaving at the end of the night, you give him uncertainty and a reason to keep chasing. That’s a good thing. Keeping him clueless as to whether you like him will only make him like and pursue you more. That is, of course, only if he already likes you to some degree.


Bringing us to the second reason: Leaving will give you an indication about whether he actually likes you. If he does not like you at all, he will probably not text you again. If he does like you, he will send a message that night that says something like: “Hope you made it home safe” or “I had a great time.” Side note: he is only trying to sleep with you if he texts you something in the vein of “I really wish you would have stayed” or “Come back and cuddle with me.” These lines should be transparent. Thus, leaving is a power move that will let you know whether he really likes you or just wanted to have sex and hoped it would be easy.

Lastly, you save yourself from ridicule by leaving. Each morning, without fail, guys fire up the group text to review the previous night’s events. Rest uncomfortably assured that if you spend the night his friends will call you a “clinger” and hyperbolize your attachment to this guy in an unflattering way. At best your beau will think you like him more than you do. More likely he will succumb to his friends’ jests and stop thinking of you as a potential girlfriend. More directly, he will only think of you as a “hook-up” and the only texts you’ll receive will be of the booty-call variety.

Now you have been forewarned. Do what you will with this piece of advice. Happy hunting.