Dressed in my 4th bridesmaid dress of the year, I huddled near the bar with a group of my high school friends who had reunited for our friend’s wedding. We were well into our 10th round of drinks, laughing over the past, catching up on the present and sharing plans for the future.
“I read all your blog posts,” my friend said, “Yep, the pool parties, the hook ups and those New York ones.” I was ecstatic to hear that he was such an avid reader; I couldn’t help but smile.
“And I’ve decided you’re never getting married.”
Hang on. What? He must be joking. I really love being single, but not, like, forever. With a giggle I repeated, “I’m never getting married?”
“Yeah, you’re not getting married.” He even went on to predict the future marital status of every one in the group, pointing and determining “Getting married” or “Not getting married.” Apparently the only other girl in the group who might as well become a nun is my pretty girl friend who manages to balance dual careers as a dentist and Wide Receiver & Safety forLegends Football League. At least I was in good company.
But my mind started racing. Why did he think that? What about my blog posts of hangovers and heartache screamed Single for Life? Was it the way I sometimes go out by myself, how much wine I consume on weekdays, or that I often say incredibly embarrassing things to guys? Or was I just not lovable? Not worthy of the same love that I was wearing that bridesmaid dress to celebrate? Unfortunately, after lots of wine and beer and one random amaretto sour (yeah, weird), I had determined that it was the latter.
Excusing myself from the group, I headed to an empty table to reapply lipgloss as the tears started streaming. Between drunken sobs I imagined what my life would be like if he was right: Becoming one of those career-obsessed women who wears J Crew blouses buttoned up to their chin and finds success despite a perpetually missing Plus One for life events, holidays and every night on the left side of the bed.
Being an open book, I approached my friend to let him know my thoughts on his accusation. He felt awful. And I felt awful that he felt awful. It was apparent that he was joking, and I totally accepted his apologies. It wasn’t his fault. He had just unexpectedly hit a nerve, and provided a scary answer to the question I have already asked myself a million times before. Luckily, now that it’s the next day and I’m once again my sobered up self, I’ve regained my bearings and remembered my personal philosophy on relationships and marriage.
Marriage shouldn’t be an item on your to-do list. On my Bucket List, aka “Life To-Do List”, I made a point to write “Raise kids” instead of “Have kids.” I can’t control whether I’ll meet someone with whom I want to marry and co-parent, but I can aim to adopt if I don’t. My biggest fear isn’t being alone; it’s forcing a relationship due to that fear.
Since meeting someone is in destiny’s hands, all I need to do is love myself, do what I love and better myself every day so I’m prepped and ready when that day comes. I know some guy is out there doing the same thing right now too. (I like to think with a matching Macbook at a coffee shop somewhere.) Despite lacking dates, one thing I definitely have is lots of love to give.
From my Vision Board